REWrite - The Restaurant Equipment World Blog

Your Friendly Neighborhood Internet

September 29th, 2009 by REW Blog Team

‘Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one’s life -Crucial’

REW’s own Kevin Borkman writes:

There simply is nothing else like the internet. As nebulous and ever expanding as the universe, the world wide web is the home to any and everything;from sites devoted entirely to Mexican restaurant equipment to,well, the most depraved ideas ever concocted, as nebulous and ever expanding as the universe, the world wide web is the home to any and everything; sites that embody the human spirit at its utmost, creative and inspired (https://www.shamwow.com/), to sites that suggest maybe we still have a ways to go (http://fansofrush.com/).

This world wide watch group was born in the assimilation of the masses to the internet culture. Our older, less computer oriented segments of population gained their footing in this brave new landscape mostly through the daily tedium of work, becoming indoctrinated to the idea of business “personal” email. Silly anecdotes and pleasantries became the baby boomer form of phone tag as each receiver read, chuckled to themselves, and augmented the original work to reflect their keen sense of humor. With some growth and simple evolution, these once innocent forms of banter now act as a daily pillar of intellect and caution, kind of like the Clark Howard of the email world.
Over the past week, I’ve mined a few gems from my inbox at Restaurant Equipment World. The first subject is the banned cell phone solicitation list, the 2nd I’ve posted in its full glory.

Let’s just get the simple stuff out of the way. Read this link: http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/cell411.asp

If you were too lazy to read this link, or just think I was linking you to Kanye West interrupting a Rick Roll, here is the gist. Do not call that number, if you do you are dumb. Okay, so that was a little too concise and maybe strong-handed for an accurate summation. Basically, some major cell phone companies banded together to create a 411 service for looking up someone’s cell phone number. Your number would only be in this if you opted in to this service. If you did nothing, your cell phone number would not be available. Let me reiterate that even if you opted in, these numbers would only be available if someone called 411 to look you up. Telemarketers would not have access to these lists and if they did it would be illegal for them to use an auto dialer to call the numbers, therefore making the list of numbers useless to them. The truth is if you call a number that some unsubstantiated, random email tells you to call, you have probably signed up for enough useless crap on the internet that plenty of telemarketers already have your phone number and if they didn’t, they do now that you called a random number that is mostly like set up to record all of the the numbers that call it to sell to a TELEMARKETER.

The 2nd email is the real heavyweight, the game changer, the one that as you sit at your desk, you find yourself speaking out loud to your computer as if it will retort, “ah, yes, this does make life just a little bit sweeter.” This email started with an eye popping header, the veryone that dropped the shock and awe on the poor souls still reading this protracted diatribe. Below you will find the complete step by step instructions for defending yourself from the chief concern in everyone’s life, yes, violent and sudden abduction.
PLEASE READ AND BE SAFE.

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one’s life

If you have an important message that could really save lives, could you at least take a few minutes to make sure your inspiring opening lines had some sort of subject verb agreement. You could either write:

It may save your life or ‘a’ love’d’ one’s life…. or

It may save your life or loved ones’ lives… or you could just write a sentence that wasn’t such hyperbolic garbage. I digress.

Crucial

Because of recent abductions

(Why am I capitalized? I’m stupid.)In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation.. This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.
‘After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1.. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!’

Tip from Fortune Cookie: It is better to be docile and mugged than combative and murdered.
‘2.. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!’

Really? If your assailant seems intent on only taking your wallet/purse and does not seem to want to you know… rape or murder you, the best action is instead of handing him your wallet/purse, is to throw it far away? I love to agitate angry psychopaths armed to the teeth. Oh you want it, you want it? Fetch.

‘3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will.This has saved lives.’

This is a pretty universal solution to a problem that seems pretty circumstantially based. First, if you are in the trunk of a car, chances are they didn’t throw you back there with a Gameboy, a fruit roll up, and a flashlight. I’m betting your hands are bound and you can’t see anything. Even if you could discern where the tail light of a motor vehicle was from the inside of a dark trunk, you are going to have to be one hell of a Chuck Norris fan to kick through the insulation and the framework that keeps the light in place. Then what? Feng Shei your size 11 shoe outside of this hole in an alerting way. And if your hands are free to stick out of the cavity, don’t you think they might be better served using the cell phone that is in your pocket to call the police… or at lesat check the sports scores that you are missing by being so rudely abducted. You should be able to get on a 3G network from the trunk of a car… this is America you know.

‘4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc.., and just sit(doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:

DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.’

The person will get the worst of it? That’s a lot of faith in a exploding bag of hot plastic. You are in a parking lot. You are either going to slam into a car 18 inches in front of you or a wall. How much speed do you expect to gain in this mighty thrust? Besides, anyone see Pulp Fiction? Bumpy roads and loaded guns pointed in the direction of your face usually work out as well as lending your money to Bernie Madoff. The Wolf? That’s all you had to say. What ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of. Different scene. I digress.

‘5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat’

Look in the trashcans, the bushes, the roofs of adjacent buildings. Ensure no one is hanging on to the bottom of your car like Keanu Reeves. If Keanu Reeves happens to be hanging from your car, interrupt him before he speaks, one sentence uttered from his lips and you will wish you had been abducted.

‘B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.’

Spoken like a true serial killer. Thanks a lot John Wayne Gacy Jr.

‘C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side… If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)’

Excuse me officer, can you please walk me to my car. There is a man sitting in his car near where I parked. Oh.. what’s that. No I wasn’t saying you were a bag boy with a badge and gun. No, I understand you have an actual job to do. Its just I’d rather be paranoid than dead. Oh, what’s that 16,272 (http://www.disastercenter.com/crime/uscrime.htm) were murdered in 2008. You mean that’s like 1 out of every 200,000 people that live here in the United States were murdered? And that’s not even taking into consideration gang warfare, lovers’ vendettas, and other forms of murder. Oh… No, I’m not irrational. I’m just safe.
‘6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone
and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)’

Yes being alone in an elevator with a would be assailant is a much better fate. Who wouldn’t want to be enclosed in a 6 x 6 deathtrap which can be sealed from the inside and has no means of escape? Good point.

‘7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!’

This one is my personal favorite. Miss the whole reduced fractions lesson in 5th grade? 4 out 100 times? Why not 252 out of 6300 times? Where do you come up with this statistic. Is there any sort of accounting for distance, caliber of weapon, something? What if its an automatic weapon? There are quite a few automatic weapons that can disperse 25 rounds in a matter of seconds. How are you going to feel if 1 of those 25 hits you? Good news that it “most likely will not be a vital organ”. There is nothing like science and facts to back up a good argument.

‘8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked ‘for help’ into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.’

I just like reading the first line over and over again. This will be the new mantra of my life. Stop being sympathetic, it may get you raped or killed. Don’t give anyone universal healthcare… it may get you raped or killed. What happens if someone who is raped does not have funds to pay for the mental and health care needed for rehabilitation. Don’t be sympathetic, it may get you raped or killed. Obviously you can’t trust anyone or anything in this world. Well, except the compiliers of this brilliant list.

‘9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.. The police told her ‘Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door..’ The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over.. The policeman said, ‘We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’ He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby’s cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby’s cries outside their doors when they’re home alone at night.’

I like when factual guides to survival start with the admittance of hearsay. Someone just told me that there were weapons of mass destruction burried in Iraq! Oh Boy! This story sounds a lot like the Halloween classic of the razor blade inside of a piece of candy. The paranoid masses check their children’s candy every year to make sure no foreign objects have been placed inside the candy to inflict harm on their children. Their have been 80 cases of a foreign object being place inside a piece of candy in the last 50 years, the worst of which resulted in a few stitches (http://www.snopes.com/horrors/mayhem/needles.asp). Are you really promoting safety or irrationality? This same thought process is the reason why children are more allergic than ever before. Kids do not build up immunities because they are constantly are washing their hands with this. My baby is going to have a mound in the backyard, not a cradle. Viruses have mutated to a point of resistance to many common forms of antibiotics because of over exposure. People sneeze and schedule and appointment with to ask their doctor if they have Swine Flu. Grow up people, this tape recorded baby bit is less plausible than a Donald Rumsfield Exit strategy.
’10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle
of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.’

You’re not even trying anymore. This one is fun, because you know the header said ‘9 Crucial Tips’, so the game is ‘did some moron that is in the last few links of this chain add this bonus prize to the happy meal?’ Did the writer of the term “Full Ball” send this to his mom/spouse, etc? If so awesome. How many outside taps does the average person have? Are the bad mogwai’s trying to turn Gizmo into a Gremlin? Is this the dastardly plan of the doctor who originally diagnosed BPH? “If they didn’t think they had a going problem in the middle of the night, the sound of all 23 taps in their yard will have them asking their doctor for Flomax.”

‘Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours! Please pass this on -This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America ‘s Most Wanted when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana’

Wow, I’m sold. The Green ‘This’ Sealed the deal.

I’d like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better to be safe than sorry.. Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one’s life ‘

This blog should probably be taken seriously because I took time away from the world of restaurant equipment to write it.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Tagged with:

11 Responses to “Your Friendly Neighborhood Internet”

  1. Comment #1 by: REW Blog Team

    Ranting Lewis Black-style, Kevin!

  2. Comment #2 by: Melissa

    WOW! How one email can bring out such emotion is beyond me. Someone likes to hear themself talk? Yes, that is the truth. Kevin is the ramblin man for sure!

  3. Comment #3 by: dorina

    WOW….I will NEVER get back that 15 minutes of my life by reading this….WOW. ha

  4. Comment #4 by: Melissa

    Nothing brings me more joy then picking on Kevin. hahahahahahahahaha!

  5. Comment #5 by: REW Blog Team

    Good thing you’ve got tough skin! Attack of the female co-workers 🙂

  6. Comment #6 by: Kevin

    They are just angry because it was their forwarded emails which were the butt of my many jokes. Don’t worry, you still have time to call the no solicitation number for the 6th time. I know that’s how many different variations of the same email have shown up in my inbox over the past 2 years ; ).

  7. Comment #7 by: REW Blog Team

    He is STILL trying to prove his point!

  8. Comment #8 by: dorina

    That’s cute, good for you K dawg.

  9. Comment #9 by: Manny

    You know what Kevin, you should send this blog to everyone in an email.

  10. Comment #10 by: dorina

    Don’t encourage him Manny!

  11. Comment #11 by: Kevin

    That’s a good idea Manny, for Irony’s sake.

Join the Discussion!  Leave a Comment Below:

Name

E-Mail Address (never published)

Website (optional)

*

code